People Can Change

ABC Nightline Profiles Journey Into Manhood: 'It's Been Life-Changing'

2010-11-18T10:21:00.000-08:00

ABC Nightline aired an almost 15-minute nationwide broadcast on Nov. 8, 2010, profiling People Can Change and its Journey Into Manhood weekend program --- what the show called "a highly controversial retreat that claims it can help men get rid of their feelings of sexual attraction for other men" (view it on YouTube).

The show was based on more than a dozen hours of filming at a reunion weekend for past Journey Into Manhood participants in Texas last July. People Can Change granted Nightline access to the reunion based on the show's reputation for fairness, and propelled by the non-profit organization's mission:

"To support and guide men who seek to transition away from unwanted homosexuality, by courageously and compassionately sharing our own first-hand experience with change."

"Overall, Nightline treated us as professionally and respectfully as we could expect," said Rich Wyler, founder and executive director of People Can Change. "I would describe the tone of the show as respectfully skeptical.

"The program told the story through the eyes of a Journey Into Manhood participant named Preston, and I was especially appreciative that they treated Preston and his wife with respect while still asking some very pointed and personal questions. Preston came across as sincere, motivated and making progress but still on the journey.

"Of course, Nightline also interviewed some critics, but the show's credibility and journalistic integrity required that," Wyler acknowledged. "For the most part, the criticisms were predictable and, in my view, didn't detract from Preston's sincerity and his personal witness of change, and newfound joy."

The resulting broadcast carried some important messages to an audience of somewhere between 1.5 million and 2 million people in the U.S.:

"The purpose of the weekend is to help men overcome what they call unwanted same sex attraction... It's an intensive 48 hours of what Wyler calls deep emotional work... [It's] part summer-camp bonding, part peer counseling" (reporter Ryan Owens).

"Activities are used to teach metaphorical lessons... [Many of the exercises are] meant to build up a sense of masculine self confidence" (reporter).

"[Exercises hinge] upon their basic theory of what causes same sex attraction: at some point in childhood, a man suffers a trauma that pulls him away from male figures. Because of this loss, he yearns for male love, and starts to seek it out sexually... Rich claims the key to changing is fulfilling these needs for male attention in nonsexual ways. Close relationships, platonic male bonding" (reporter).

"It's not about suppressing my same sex attraction. It's about fulfilling it in nonsexual, gender-affirming ways" (soundbite from Wyler interview).

"For some people, 'gay' is never going to work. That kind of life, that way of living, is just not going to gel -- ever - with their value system" (soundbite from JiM co-creator David Matheson, LPC).

"Journey into Manhood changed my life. I learned that I really could change" (soundbite from promotional video on PCC website).

"It's been life changing. It's been a whole new take on life. It's been absolutely miraculous for me personally... I feel a significant diminishment in [same-sex] attraction. It is without a doubt much more of an emotional attraction than it is a sexual one now" (soundbite from Preston).

"Preston says the 'therapy' has helped a lot with his marriage" (reporter)

Reporter: "Are you sexually attracted to your wife?" Preston: "Now? Yes, There was a spark of attraction before. But now, absolutely." Reporter: "But you had to work on that?" Preston: "Not specifically on that. I had to work on my own sense of masculinity."

Critics interviewed were the American Psychiatric Association's Dr. Jack Drescher - an openly gay man and long-time critic of all forms of sexual-orientation change efforts -- and two past Journey Into Manhood participants who are now living as openly gay men.

One critic, identified as Ben Unger, said on camera, "At some points I was suicidal. I felt that it was my fault I wasn't changing."

"My heart goes out to any man who feels suicidal due to internal turmoil over same-sex attractions," Wyler said. "I know what that's like. I've been there.

Critics interviewed were the American Psychiatric Association's Dr. Jack Drescher - an openly gay man and long-time critic of all forms of sexual-orientation change efforts -- and two past Journey Into Manhood participants who are now living as openly gay men.

One critic, identified as Ben Unger, said on camera, "At some points I was suicidal. I felt that it was my fault I wasn't changing."

"My heart goes out to any man who feels suicidal due to internal turmoil over same-sex attractions," Wyler said. "I know what that's like. I've been there.

"But I have to question Ben Unger's statement, and whether his hopelessness had anything at all to do with Journey Into Manhood, because for the vast majority of participants, Journey Into Manhood is one of the most affirming experiences of their lives. Many times I've heard men say how much that contrasted with the depression and hopelessness they once felt when they thought their only option was to live a gay life, with no hope of change."

ABC Nightline To Air Profile and Critique of People Can Change and Journey Into Manhood

2010-11-08T18:19:00.000-08:00

Three months after People Can Change gave an ABC Nightline news crew exclusive access to a private reunion weekend of Journey Into Manhood graduates, the resulting broadcast is queued up to air on ABC Nightline across the U.S. tonight, November 8, at 11:35 pm (10:35 pm Central).

On the Nightline page, there's a 45-second preview of tonight's broadcast, with a quick sample of a visualization process (connecting to Golden or King energy) and a soundbite from JiM co-creator David Matheson ("For some people, 'gay' is never going to work. That kind of life, that way of living, is just not going to gel -- ever -- with their value system. So for those men, that's why we exist, so that they can have another way, another approach to dealing with their sexual feelings.")

Also on the Nightline page, there is a 2,500-word companion article to tonight's piece. This article gives a good preview of what to expect from the broadcast story.

The story will be told in part through the perspective of a journeyer named Preston, who has grown and benefited greatly from his Journey Into Manhood experience.

At least two critics will also be interviewed -- two past Journey Into Manhood participants who have since embraced a gay life and become public opponents of all change efforts.

Reaction from People Can Change.

As founder and director of People Can Change, I posted the following to our Web site and our online communities today:

"Based on what I know and have seen so far, the piece looks like it will be about as fair and balanced as one can expect from national broadcast media on this topic," said Rich Wyler, founder and director of People Can Change.

"By that I mean, plenty of air time will be given to our critics, and some of what our critics will say will be highly slanted and perhaps even outright false. But I believe there will also be sufficient air time giving a fair look at who we are and what we believe in as an organization and as fellow 'journeyers' on this path. I think viewers will get a small sense of what Journey Into Manhood is, and how it benefits men.

"In the companion article online, past Journey Into Manhood participant Ben Unger is quoted as saying 'the therapy tried to instill in us...that it's impossible to be gay and happy [and that gays] are alcoholics and drug addicts and they are never in serious relationships.'

"That's absolutely NOT true about People Can Change. That's not who we are, that's not how we think, that's never what we say. In fact, we tell the men -- quote -- 'If you gain nothing else from this weekend, we want you to know you are good and valuable just as you are, today, unchanged, and even if you never change.'

"Perhaps Unger was making a judgment about some of his other therapeutic work, and Nightline took it out of context to imply mistakenly that Unger felt that way about People Can Change. But the idea that anyone could come away from Journey Into Manhood with that idea is absolutely wrong.

"Unger and another past participant are also critical of Journey Into Manhood's teachings and processes about 'healthy touch.'

"We teach that male-male touch does NOT have to be sexual, and in fact the desire for touch can be a healthy drive to meet a need that every child is born with -- to be held and comforted by Dad."

In response to follow-up questions from Nightline about this criticism, I wrote:

"One small but powerful element of Journey Into Manhood is that we offer non-sexual, father-son-style holding that can touch a core unmet need from childhood. It is completely optional, fully supervised, done in a group setting, with clearly taught guidelines to keep it therapeutic.

"As a result, we've never seen any inappropriate touch on a Journey Into Manhood weekend. Instead, many have discovered that non-sexual brotherly touch and affirmation -- not homosexual relationships -- were what they had really longed for all along.

"To critics we would add: How can you mock or criticize non-sexual, therapeutic holding but then accept and even celebrate sex between men?"

Unger was quoted in the written article alleging that at one point of the weekend the participants were instructed to remove their clothing. In response, I wrote:

"Either he or Nightline is trying to make this sound lurid, but in reality what he describes is as benign as what is experienced every day in high school gym class. Hundreds of past participants will tell you they never experienced anything like what Unger is suggesting -- and that even includes an undercover reporter and gay-rights activist who lied his way into Journey Into Manhood once last year. Certainly if there was something salacious going on, he would have reported it."

"The article reports that 'Unger said the weekend left him feeling depressed and even suicidal because he was convinced it was his fault he wasn't changing.'

"I just can't imagine that. The vast majority of participants leave the weekend feeling far happier, more whole, more hopeful, more grounded, and with a larger network of support than they've ever had before. Many times I've heard them contrast that to the depression and hopelessness they once felt when they thought their only option was to live a gay life, with no hope of change."

Background

ABC Nightline first approached People Can Change last April to explore the possibility of filming some of our weekend and interviewing volunteers and participants.

Of course, bringing cameras onto an actual Journey Into Manhood weekend is absolutely out of the question. But in the interest of spreading our message to other men who are looking for what we offer, we considered allowing cameras to film part of a JiM reunion weekend where all the attendees are JiM alumni already and would come to the weekend knowing that a news crew was going to be.

Fourteen men gathered in July for a one-day, two-night reunion at a camp near Houston. David Matheson and I flew in to facilitate the weekend and give interviews. Five of the attendees also agreed to go on camera and share their own stories and attest to the reality of change and the positive impact of Journey Into Manhood on their lives.

Preston, a "journeyer" and frequent staff volunteer from Utah, was the primary focus, and the experience of the weekend and the journey itself is primarily shared through his eyes. The news crew later flew out to Utah to film an interview with Preston's wife, who is now expecting their first child.

People Can Change Marks 10 Year Anniversary

2010-10-01T08:10:00.000-07:00

It’s now been 10 years since I first uploaded an amateurish-looking (but professionally written!) Web site containing the first-person accounts of nine men who had experienced significant change from unwanted homosexuality, and called it www.peoplecanchange.com.

I had tracked down each of the men through friends and referrals, or through their already-public testimonials. I then wrote a summary of the clear commonalities in their stories, revealing what worked for them in overcoming or resolving unwanted homosexual feelings. That first Web site, with sections on what works, what doesn’t, and why even try, along with the first-person stories, went online in September 2000. Concerned for my own privacy, I used the alias Ben Newman for myself for the first 6 years, because I did, in fact, feel very much like a new man.

Today, 10 years later, I am amazed at what People Can Change has become – what, in my belief system, God has created, through the hands of countless dedicated, selfless volunteers for whom PCC’s message of renewal, growth and dignity has resonated so powerfully.

This week, coinciding with PCC’s 10th anniversary, we launched the third-generation of www.peoplecanchange.com, completely overhauled and updated graphically, with some new and updated content and easier navigation. I am thrilled with the beautiful new look, and I thank Tanya at www.kawadesign.com for her hard work and dedication to make this overhaul a reality.

She also gave our logo a nice new, updated look and feel.

Also this week, we introduced our first-ever video profiling our trademark Journey Into Manhood program. It’s a beautiful, professionally produced video. I thank Kevin at KevinMark Films for his beautiful and sensitive work that captured the essence of Journey Into Manhood, and why we do this work. I thank the volunteer staff of the Journey Into Manhood weekend in Southern California this past July, who graciously allowed themselves to be filmed during the staff preparation day.

At the end of this month, we will present our FIFTIETH Journey Into Manhood weekend, and our fifth in England. 50! That’s amazing for a program that started in January 2002 with a volunteer crew of just five staff men, a vision, passion to make a difference in men’s lives, and the grace of God.

Since that first January Into Manhood weekend, some 1,375 men have been through the program. They’ve come from 45 states and 36 countries. We’ve presented Journey Into Manhood in England and in 12 states in the U.S.

We’re fulfilling the mission of People Can Change in many other ways as well.

We’ve added an experiential program for women married to same-sex attracted men, called “A Wife’s Healing Journey,” which we offered for the first time in Texas in 2009, then in Utah in 2010. And plans are in the works to present the program in Southern California in January 2011.

We’ve added a powerful, advanced-level program for men called “Journey Beyond” for men who have completed Journey Into Manhood as well as other advanced personal-growth work. We’ve presented it five times since 2005 and are planning it again for August 2011.

We touch lives through our telephone support and coaching groups, which we hold weekly, and our online discussion/support groups, which have been running for almost 10 years. We have 8 online groups (not counting our many post-Journey Into Manhood groups) with some 1,400 members. There, they receive encouragement, support and understanding about “the journey.”

And our Website itself reaches thousands of people every month; we receive an average of about 50,000 unique visitors a year. We receive numerous emails thanking us for our work and asking for additional guidance and support.

As significant as all these “programs” and “initiatives” are, as we look back over 10 years, it would all be absolutely meaningless if we weren’t helping to change lives for the better!

And that is where the real success of People Can Change is. I have personally witnessed countless lives dramatically changed for the better.

I’ve seen men turn their lives around. I’ve seen men transform. From shame to freedom. From pain to wholeness. From isolation to brotherhood. From lust to brotherly love. From desperation to joy.

I’ve seen marriages saved and love renewed. I’ve seen single men fulfill lifelong dreams of falling in love with a woman, marrying, and having children. And through these men and women and families, I firmly believe, lives have been saved and many future generations positively impacted in untold ways.

My gratitude goes out to everyone who has played any part in realizing the vision of People Can Change, and serving as an instrument in the hands of God to change lives.

More Men Share The Powerful Impact of the Journey Into Manhood Weekend

2010-04-21T17:11:00.000-07:00

From M.S., in Israel:

I went through the Journey into Manhood weekend in spring of 2006 – I was 25 years old at the time. I had been doing reparative therapy for several years, during which time my therapist would repeatedly urge me to go to JiM – he said that what I had to gain from JiM would be worth five sessions of therapy. So after years of prodding, I finally decided to register.

Attending JiM turned out to be one of the most important decisions of my life. The weekend itself opened my emotional floodgates, catapulting me into a cognitive-emotional process that, within a few months, led me to breaking a pattern of emotional dependency on other men – a pattern that had existed since as far back as I can remember, and would lead me to frustration, depression and suicidal thoughts.

Today I am stronger, happier and more fulfilled; and as I continue to do “my work,” my awareness of my inherent human power of choice grows; I continue to take more and more responsibility for my life.

I am not “done” – I still have same-sex attractions, but these are more mild, less muddled emotionally, and usually gone after I come to see the man I’m attracted to as my equal and peer. Throughout this process I’ve also developed a stronger attraction towards women as well.

I recommend JiM to any man who knows deep down that living a gay life is not the best life for him.

From M.D., in Kentucky:

I went to a Journey Into Manhood weekend in 2004. I was 37. JiM has given me more than just an opportunity to meet people like me, who have unwanted feelings of same sex attraction (SSA). JiM has been a very important tool in my development as a MAN. Thanks to JiM and other tools and resources, I accept my feelings in the most healthful way for me; and by doing it, these SSA feelings have been diminishing over time.

My wife of 18 years has been by my side in every step of the way. Sometimes she and Jesus Christ Himself have carried me along the way. Thanks to my wife, I have been able to realize that God loves me unconditionally, and without her, it would have been almost impossible for me to endure this journey of developing my manhood.

I strongly recommend JiM for any man who is serious about developing his own MANHOOD, no matter who this man is, a Christian or a Jew, European or Latin American, or what he thinks of himself. If he has unwanted SSA feelings and has the powerful desire to deal with them, JiM will be one of the best tools to overcome these feelings.

Today, 6 years after my own JiM weekend, I enjoy life plentifully, with my beloved wife and 5 beautiful children. I adore them, and it is for them that I have continued in this wonderful journey into MY OWN MANHOOD.

From Paul, in Maryland:

I experienced the Journey into Manhood this past weekend, and it was the most healing, affirming, loving experience of my life. The experiences and lessons learned during this weekend will become for me a cornerstone in the foundation of my masculinity and manhood.

From B.Y., in Virginia:

I went through the JiM weekend a year and a half ago. I was 25 at the time, unmarried but hoping to get married someday. I'd been conflicted with unwanted same sex attractions since puberty. I was really scared when I went to the JiM weekend, not knowing what I would be put through.

What I found at the weekend was a deep respect and care for me as a person like I had never experienced before. I have never felt so free to be truly, authentically me. I was invited to look deep inside myself and find the masculinity inside myself. I left the weekend feeling more alive, solid, masculine and free than I'd ever felt before. It was a turning point in my life. I met a beautiful girl a few months after the JiM weekend, and we are now engaged to be married in a few months. I couldn't be a happier man.

From Greg, in England:

I attended the Journey Into Manhood weekend in London in October 2008. It was a life-changing experience. The activities in the JiM were able to directly address both my inner needs and inner pain which had been buried deep inside me for years, since I was a small boy. Both the conscious and unconscious coping methods that my emotions had developed to deal with those inner feelings were faced in an atmosphere of loving acceptance and genuine concern...This acceptance and care from other men are what I have craved all my life.

I would say that the process is really more self-discovery than 'change'. It is about learning to love; both to love others around us and to love and accept ourselves. It's a way of seeing that our feelings are legitimate, that they certainly don't need to be shunned or scorned, and that they are a sign of genuine inner needs that slowly transform into solid masculine feelings of love and care for others.

This weekend is not about forcing ourselves to be what we are not, but enabling ourselves to be what we truly are! Since then I have gone on in life with natural and uninhibited feelings of growing self-esteem and renewed confidence.

From Scott, in Ohio:

I was 29 when I went to the Journey into Manhood retreat in February of 2010. I had been pondering for a year to go, before I finally stopped and said "I need this now". By taking that chance, I went on the JiM weekend and opened the doors to the rest of my life.

Before the weekend, I felt like a constantly threatened victim that was filled with much resentment towards men. I felt that the only thing they showed me was that I had to be like them for a woman to like me. After years of denying myself the right to do what I felt, along with plenty other SSA characteristics, I ended up fantasizing about having sex with men. All the while, I wanted a woman. But, I was ashamed of my virginity and fearful of being identified as "gay".

After the weekend, I learned to let go of the past and started building on who I am as a man (as me) deep inside. I finally look at the mirror and see myself with confidence. I finally have foresight for the rest of my life, knowing that I can do whatever I want in my life without the approval of anyone else but me. I have been building my life, one day at a time. I feel more compassionate and loving. I finally feel the ground on which I stand. I am a free man!

I encourage every man with unwanted same-sex attractions to attend a JiM weekend. Know that you are safe in the company of the men that will be at the weekend. I also invite you to tell other men at the weekend how you feel and welcome their support into your heart.

From Eric, in Florida:

JiM was a completely life-changing experience for me – the most powerful and real weekend I'd ever spent in healing the secrets I didn't want anybody to know. For the first time I saw that I could live as a member of a brotherhood, I belonged with a group of men. I was only 17 when I attended, and now, 6 months later my life has completely changed for the better. I am going into college with much more assurance in the identity I've been given, the faith I practice, and the masculinity I was born to live out of. I am extremely grateful that God reached out to me during this weekend and gave me a new purpose.

The story that I am now living out is one of hope. With JiM and its brotherhood, the gift offered to me through the Catholic Church and its healing ministry called Courage, the rallying of my parents behind me in support, and following the Church's model of chastity, I no longer struggle with any thoughts or acting out (fantasy, pornography) of homosexuality. What I thought was a need to belong with a man was actually a need to belong among them, to be a part of the "club."

Throughout my journey out of homosexuality, I've learned through many books and testimonies that many men get lost because they don't know where they belong. At high school and college, this search can get particularly confusing when every message tells us to find our own way and be our own person. Homosexuality is "normal, intrinsic, and impossible to change." This isn't the truth you have to live by! If you struggle with homosexuality and feel that it's impossible for you to ever have guy friends or the camaraderie of brothers I urge you to look into this weekend!

When I was at JiM I saw the hope of brothers that have stepped off the homosexual path and now call others to do the same -- without judgment, condemnation, or mocking, but with the compassion of somebody that has been there before. For any man, of any age (and I strongly recommend it to the young adult that feels trapped by a lifestyle they're unsure about) JiM was the experience that started my walk out of homosexuality.

From Steve, in Florida:

My same-sex attraction began when I was in the 7th grade and saw boys in P.E. class who were more physically mature than I was. I remember having the desire to look and see what I thought I wasn't and didn't have.

Fast forward many years and I was living a dual life--on the one hand and I was dating girls and being sexual with them and on the other hand I was looking at guys and lusting. Porn and masturbation to same sex fantasy was almost an every day occurrence. This pattern continued into marriage and after the birth of two children.

Although I have never been sexual with a man, same sex lust and porn addiction had become my friend. After many years of this dual life, I decided I had to do something--I was tired of the behavior, the deception, and lying to my wife.

I was also a Christian and wanted to begin seeking God again. So, I returned to church, sought counseling, accountability, and some level of connection with men--as scary as that was.

Several years later, it was recommended by a counselor that I attend Journey Into Manhood (JiM). I attended in December 2007 and it changed my life. During the weekend, and the 2 1/2 years that have followed, I have learned how my same sex attraction started, how it has been fueled all these years, what true masculine intimacy is and how to get it on a regular basis. I now know that I am accepted by other men just as I am.

These revelations and experiences have been so healing. Since JIM, I have noticed a significant reduction in my same sex lust and desires as well as my porn addiction. I am living a more authentic life, sharing my failures with other men who understand. My relationship with my wife is better than it ever has been. I am experiencing true freedom.

Journey Into Manhood Weekend Is Life-Changing for Many

2010-04-16T11:52:00.000-07:00

Since the first Journey Into Manhood weekend in January 2002, about 1,300 men from 45 U.S. states and 32 other countries have been through the powerful program presented by People Can Change. The experience has had a life-changing impact on hundreds and hundreds of these participants.

What follows are first-hand testimonials of how past participants benefited. These are real people, sharing real stories of the impact on their lives of this cross-roads experience.

From "J" of Florida:

I went through Journey Into Manhood in December 2008. At the time I was 30 and single. JiM was a life-altering experience for me.

Prior to the weekend, I knew that I had been attracted to men. However, coming back from the weekend I was able to put things into perspective, realizing that my needs were much deeper than a sexual desire. I came to understand myself, my needs, and how to get those needs properly met. I came to realize that there were issues in my life that I had not faced, that I never knew existed.

Facing my own issues head-on took courage and commitment. But doing so has yielded a life-altering way of living. I now have the tools necessary to deal with issues that arise in my life. I also have a greater understanding of myself and what it is that I am truly looking for.

Life has changed for me. I have changed for the better. My life has become more fulfilling than it ever has been before. My experiences with men continue to improve. I have gained a better understanding of my personal needs and can now verbalize those needs and get them met.

I only wish that I would have gone through this weekend 6 years prior, when I first learned about it. However, I went at the time that was right for me. My life is changed for the better, and there is no going back!

From Geno, of Pennsylvania:

I struggled with same-sex attractions since my childhood and adolescence. I yearned to be like any other guy without eroticizing the attraction to other men. Through a lot of personal work and life experience, I have been able to achieve that.

A major factor was attending the Journey Into Manhood weekends: I attended two weekends two years apart, the last one last year. They have been very powerful, really life-changing experiences. They provided me with experiences in a deeper level that truly created the change I was longing for deep down in my inner being.

Freely! Liberating! Awesome!

I really am grateful that there are men like Rich and Dave who help other men like me achieve our fullness in our masculine humanity.

I have better dealing with my wife and children as a result and continue to be the man I truly am. I am a better brother and friend. Actually getting to be the best I can be. I am balanced and centered.

I am a licensed professional in the mental/behavioral health field, and know that JIM is very sound and ethical. I respect and tolerate the different. Change and growth is possible and achievable and sustainable. It happens. It's life.

From Chuck, of Los Angeles:

After many positive and self-affirming years of reorientation therapy, I have come to the whole-hearted truth about myself: that my seeking romantic and sexual relationships with other men was, for me, a repetitive compulsion to get my family of origin and emotionally absent father to love me.

As is common with many gay-identified and sexually addicted men, I grew up with severe emotional neglect from my father and mother. Not only was my father never there emotionally or physically, my mother made me into her "surrogate husband" and proceeded to have an emotionally incestuous relationship with me.

As a direct result of attending a Journey into Manhood weekend in 2006, I developed a new awareness as to the consequences of this dysfunctional triad. I had proceeded to have no interest in the opposite sex because my mother had made sure that I never detached from her and that I never formed a healthy attachment to my father or any other man. I was in a hostile dependency with my mother, where I needed her for survival even while I couldn't stand her. At the same time, my mother shamed me over the course of my childhood into never asserting myself as a boy or man.

I discovered on the Journey into Manhood weekend that as a result of this emotionally incestuous relationship with my mother, I grew to overly identify with women, had major gender identity issues ( hence my feminized mannerisms) but also held no interest in developing intimate attachments or sexual relations with the opposite sex. I had had enough of women via my narcissistic mother.

My journey out of homosexuality, and into my real masculine heterosexual identity, was replete with many self-defeating and confusing detours. I saw a number of gay-affirming therapists, attended numerous gay-affirmative 12-step programs and support groups. I participated in several "gay pride" parades, and lived very much in a gay-affirmative world in West Hollywood, California. I read a wide variety of gay-affirmative literature and attempted living the gay lifestyle. I was told over and over again that I was born gay and I should just accept myself for "who I am." I was also told by several gay-affirming therapists that I had "internalized homophobia." That is, that I hated myself for being gay.

NOTHING COULD HAVE BEEN FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH!

Essentially, as much as I tried to make the gay identity work for me, it never did.

My sexual relations with other men had their foundations built on a total lack of affection, attention and affirmation from my father, and a repetitive compulsion to repeat my childhood sexual abuse.

I was looking for love in all the wrong places.

I am grateful every day for the life-affirming lessons that I learned at my Journey into Manhood weekend, that essentially my needs for affection, attention, and affirmation are legitimate and non-negotiable. As a direct result of this corrective emotional experience, I have finally found heterosexual men who legitimately meet these needs in my life and don't sexualize them.

As a result of the lessons I learned at the Journey into Manhood weekend, I now am legitimately getting my same sex needs met though healthy non sexual experiences with other men. I feel totally not gay anymore and instead I feel a much stronger heterosexual attraction to the opposite sex and 100% better about me.

It is important to note that my personal work did not begin and end on one weekend. The follow up of consistent weekly corrective emotional experiences and real non-sexual emotional attachments with men over the course of several years (via other support groups like a "Soul Group" from another weekend experience called Marked Men for Christ) has been the most effective in my healing.

In my opinion, those who attack Journey into Manhood as a waste of time are ignorant of the real science behind gay-to-straight experience and are operating out of intolerance, lack for respect of diversity, and fear. Journey into Manhood has reaffirmed that my path out of homosexuality is positively real and life transforming.

Without Journey into Manhood along with my own personal therapy work, I would not have discovered how significantly my childhood sexual molestation at the hands of another male distorted my world view and other men.

Journey into Manhood has been an important part of my healing from homosexuality and my family of origin issues. It has made me a more self-loving and others-loving individual, and has helped me feel much better about myself and who I really am.

I'm so grateful that I did not listen to the gay-affirming and politically motivated society and instead, listened to my own inner truth. That is, I am not gay nor was I ever born gay.

Journey into Manhood has been a very positive and healing experience in my life.

From James, of California:

Journey Into Manhood changed my life in more ways than one.

I went to JiM in May 2008 and found out more about myself what was really was going on in life instead of hiding the pain and suffering of sexual activities. What I needed in JiM was guidance, the real meaning of love and to unravel my hard childhood. JiM is about taking back what was stolen in our childhood, finding the sense of healthy connection with men, non-sexually, and not looking to compare myself to someone because they may be better looking than I am.

Going to JiM was one of the best things that I have every done. I come to realized that everyone is different but we're all the same in so many ways.

From "Jack Yosef" of London, England:
"Thoughts on My Experience At a Journey into Manhood Weekend"

On Sunday evening (April 2009), I returned from a Journey Into Manhood weekend that is strongly recommended by JONAH (Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality) to all of its participants.

It was possibly the most powerful, thought provoking, authentic weekend of my life.

At the JiM weekend I had an opportunity, for the first time, and in a totally safe environment, to be utterly authentic with myself and with others. I allowed myself to be emotionally open, perhaps for the first time in my adult life. It was so powerful for me to tear down, piece by piece, the defensive walls I had built to protect my inner child from the core wounds I internalized in childhood.

Each of the processes at the weekend chopped away at the walls and ultimately I was able to knock down these defensive walls which I had built up over many years; it allowed me to return to my golden true self, my authentic inner core.

I realized for the first time I am completely normal, and my suffering is only because of factors in my childhood for which I was not responsible nor did I have the ability to control. I realized that I did not feel in control of my life, nor was I the man I wanted to be.

For me, the greatest thing I learned from JiM was self awareness. The lessons I internalized from the weekend allowed me to finally understand why I acted out. I needed a deep connection with men, but no amount of sex with men would ever achieve that, because in same-sex sex, I was projecting, not connecting. The only thing that brings the connection I truly crave is genuine, authentic non-sexual interaction with men.

I needed to feel like one of the boys, and needed to align how I see men with how I see myself. If my sense of self and my concept of what constitutes masculinity are in alignment, my need to seek out my sense of masculinity through others dissipates.

In many ways, I realize now that I saw men as emotionless, distant, and lacking in common sense, something I did not wish to be. I saw myself as the opposite of other men, but now, and only now, can I begin to realize that men can authentically express emotion without sex, can feel closeness to other men without sexualizing it, and can function with a sensitivity and intuitiveness that permits authentic connection.

My concepts of who I am and how I see other men are becoming more and more congruent. I am now finally able to start aligning my feelings about myself with how I feel about other men.

Another important realization I gained from the weekend is how I am attracted to the projection of what I want myself to be, and once I realize that, the sexual attraction fades. At the beginning of the weekend, I felt attracted to so many of the participants, and by the end, not even one of them. As I got to know them as real people and not as a projection of who I visualized them to be, I found myself authentically bonding with them in a healthy, non-sexual way. What a change from the mentality I found in the gay world.

Deep emotional breakthroughs are often experienced, and participants are able to affirm their inherent value as men, just as they are. JiM weekends are open to any man who experiences UNWANTED same-sex fantasies, arousals, identity, and/or behaviors. It is non-denominational. (Men of every race and religion are welcome). Orthodox Jewish practices are respected and taken into account by the originators of the weekend and may be practiced during the weekends.

From Geo, of Hungary:

When I went to JiM, it was a relief to see others also struggling with addictive porn usage or homosexual fantasy. At JiM I learned that it is okay to love men as brothers – but rather than expect and depend on one particular man to meet all my needs for male bonding, I should build meaningful connections with several men (some suggest 18 or more) who are willing to help me receiving "fathering," acceptance, and healthy touch.

All in all, I am more tolerant with those gays who believe in their homosexuality being unchangeable and genetic. I have less shame around this topic and less anger. I consider myself to belong to the subgroup of men who think their extreme touch-deprivation stems from past trauma. I do not like to consider myself homosexual, because I never had too much sex with men in my life. But I like to consider myself "homotactile" -- someone who has an extra measure of male-touch need. And since JiM, I am able to ask for non-sexual, healing touch from heterosexual men (and accept it when some say "no").

From "M" of New York:

I am writing this well into adult life and as a father of several children. Before I married, I was certain that after I got married the attraction I had to men would go away. As is so often the case, the attraction not only did not diminish, it grew stronger. There was no one in the therapy world at that time who could explain that the attraction to men was a signal from my brain and body that I needed legitimate nonsexual male companionship and friendship. After four years of marriage, I gave up the fight with my desires and started seeking men out for sexual activity.

While I never crossed the line into the type of homosexual intercourse forbidden by the Torah, suffice it to say that my behavior was a constant source of shame. Even so, I couldn't put a stop to it. Over the years, I saw several therapists, one of whom encouraged me to simply accept who "I was" and even find a lover.

By 2005, I despaired of ever overcoming both the attraction and the behaviors associated with it. Then I found a group called JONAH (Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality) whose activities and guidance have given me back my life.

At first, I was resistant to the types of therapy that JONAH promotes, which are variously called reparative or reorientation or change therapy. But as I read more of the books that are suggested by JONAH, I realized that my homosexual desires were not ends in themselves, but symptoms of a man who had lost his manhood, his masculinity, and, in my case, longed for his father. The more I recognized and acknowledged what the symptoms were telling me, the more the behavior decreased.

The really pivotal powerful moments came at a Journey into Manhood weekend that I attended in early April 2006. The event is sponsored by an organization called People Can Change. What I gained from the weekend can only be described as life transforming.
I finally came face to face with the fears that drove my homosexual behavior and was able to use those fears to transform from a frightened boy into a courageous man.

I began to recognize the incredibly powerful masculinity that lay within me, the gold I possess within that makes me a unique man with a mission.

My manhood was affirmed by other men who were in attendance in a way that finally swept away the sense of low self esteem that had permitted the undesired behaviors in the first place. Lifetime, healthy friendships were formed with men who are also seeking a path of complete manhood.

I was finally able to come to grips with the loss of the father I knew and realize that, despite his absence, he loved me very much and was proud of the young man I had become before his death. I came home from the weekend as a better husband and a better father.

Above all, I learned that to touch another man can be done in a way that is healthy, holy and noble. The Torah speaks openly of such touching, as with David and Jonathan. In fact, their friendship is described in Ethics of the Fathers as a pure love, because it is not tainted with a desire for reward, sexual or otherwise. I learned how that touch can happen. As a result, I came away from the activities with a restored sense of personal sanctity and a belief that G-d was giving me strength through SSA.

The APA Remains Unconvinced By The Evidence -- So What?

2009-08-07T07:18:00.000-07:00

The American Psychological Association this week released its long-awaited report on how APA members should respond to clients who experience “sexual orientation distress” and seek to change unwanted same-sex attractions ("Resolution on Appropriate Affirmative Responses to Sexual Orientation Distress and Change Efforts")

What the Report Means to Us

What does it mean for the man or woman who is distressed about unwanted homosexual attractions and wants to change them?

1. Therapists won’t be banned from practicing sexual-orientation change therapies. So you’ll still be able to find a licensed counselor, although professionals specializing in this area will continue to be relatively rare.

2. If you want a big, politically correct mental-health association to endorse psychological research that shows change is possible, you’re out of luck. But they’re not saying that change is impossible, either – only that, in the opinion of the gay-affirming, liberal-leaning task force members, existing research is “insufficient” to justify counseling for unwanted same-sex attraction, and that you are “unlikely” to be successful at change.

(I actually consider this a step closer to the truth than what the APA’s past positions have been. “Insufficient evidence” is a point of debate; “no evidence” is a complete lie. Likewise, “unlikely to change” is cynicism; “impossible to change” is outright denial of countless testimonials and other evidence.)

3. You might find it easier to find a therapist who is willing to help you balance your sexual feelings with your religious faith, even if he doesn’t believe sexual-orientation change is possible.

Other than that, what the APA thinks doesn’t really matter to the man or woman who is committed to lessening his or her homosexual attractions. The APA issue is about what can be proven by scientific research; what ethical guidelines therapists should follow; how much control the APA can have over its members; and how much political clout gay advocates have in the mental health trade groups.

Our issue, on the other hand, is much more personal. It’s about what we want for our own lives. It’s about what works for us. What makes us happy. What feels right. What feels wrong. Who we feel like we really are.

What the APA has to say to us about any of that is completely irrelevant.

What the APA Report Doesn’t Say

Nevertheless, for those who are reading what’s being said on the Web, and want a better understanding of the APA’s report, here is my summary:

What is most significant about the report is what it did not say.

1) It did NOT recommend banning APA members from practicing sexual orientation change therapies. It did not call for defining sexual orientation change therapies as unethical.

That in itself is a significant victory, given the gay-affirmative leanings of all six members of the APA task force who wrote the report.

(No therapists were allowed on the task force who actually have experience counseling clients who want to change their same-sex attractions, despite the fact that at least four highly qualified PhDs who are recognized leaders in this area were recommended to the APA selection committee. See http://www.narth.com/docs/lacks.html )

2) It did NOT repeat the lie that there is “no scientific evidence” that change is possible, as other mental health associations have done.

Rather, it said, in the view of the task force, that there is “insufficient evidence” that sexual orientation change efforts are effective; that it is “unlikely” that clients will be able to reduce same-sex attractions or increase opposite-sex attractions; and that “compelling evidence” of change was “rare.”

Being unconvinced by the available evidence (especially when you are already a skeptic) is a long way from saying there is no evidence – or, as some will distort this report, from falsely claiming that “research proves you can’t change.”

Just the fact that the APA acknowledged that it found 83 studies for review is a step forward. For years, the APA has seemed to deny even that such research even exists.

The National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality put the lie to that idea last month when it published a peer-reviewed monograph called, “What Research Shows: NARTH's Response to the APA Claims on Homosexuality.” The monograph was based on a review of 600 reports of clinicians, researchers, and former clients—primarily from professional and peer-reviewed scientific journals – over the past 125 years. The monograph’s conclusion: the research shows that it is indeed possible for some men and women to diminish their unwanted homosexual attractions and develop heterosexual attractions.

Of course, the APA task force disagrees, arguing that “We found serious methodological problems in this area of research, such that only a few studies met the minimal standards for evaluating whether psychological treatments… are effective.”

Fine. Scientists always disagree on the scientific validity of various research studies—particularly when they don’t like what the findings suggest. But at least now we’re arguing about the research, instead of claiming it doesn’t exist.

3) It did NOT instruct APA members to tell clients who want to change that there is “no evidence” that therapy can change sexual orientation, as the Wall Street Journal and other media have mistakenly reported on the APA resolution.

Rather, the task force said, “We consider it inappropriate… to foster or support in clients the expectation that they will change their sexual orientation.” It proposed a resolution (which the APA has since passed) that mental health professionals should “avoid misrepresenting” the expected efficacy of change efforts “by promoting or promising” change.

The APA’s press release went further than the actual task force report, adding: “Mental health professionals should avoid telling clients that they can change their sexual orientation through therapy or other treatments.” The report itself, however, simply cautions against misrepresentation and over promising -- which is just good professional practice for anyone.

4) It did NOT “denounce reparative therapy” as some media have falsely reported.

Perhaps the report’s strongest statement against what the APA calls “sexual orientation change efforts” is simply that the APA “concludes that there is insufficient evidence to support the use of psychological interventions to change sexual orientation.” Hardly a denunciation.

APA Finally Recognizes Validity of Religious Values

What the report did say is also significant.

It (finally!) recognized the significant and valid role of religious faith to some clients in responding to sexual orientation concerns.

In the past, the APA seems to have relegated religious faith to a “fringe” status while promoting sexual drives as the exclusive or most esential factor in determining one’s values and life choices.

Instead, the report:

-- advocated “acceptance, support and recognition of the importance of faith” to some clients.

-- acknowledged that therapists can ethically help clients explore possible life paths that balance “the reality of their sexual orientation” with “the possibilities for a religiously and spiritually meaningful and rewarding life.”

The Real Evidence: Changed Lives

Personally, I know from my own experience that change is possible and well worth it! I also know dozens of others who can tell you the same thing. Their testimonials – and the lives they live as a quiet daily witness of this truth – are much more powerful than any task force report could ever be.

The Big Lie: "No Evidence of Change"

2009-04-25T09:56:00.000-07:00

One of the most shockingly bald-faced lies told over and over by the professional mental health associations is that there is supposedly no reliable evidence that sexual orientation change is possible.

The American Psychiatric Association claims, “There is no published scientific evidence supporting the efficacy of ‘reparative therapy’ as a treatment to change one’s sexual orientation.”

The American Psychological Association claims, “To date, there has been no scientifically adequate research to show that therapy aimed at changing sexual orientation (sometimes called reparative or conversion therapy) is safe or effective.”

The American Counseling Association says, “We found no scientific evidence published in psychological peer-reviewed journals that conversion therapy is effective in changing an individual's sexual orientation from same-sex attractions to opposite-sex attractions” and claims, “no empirical support exists for the (reparative/conversion therapy) approach.”

The National Association of Social Workers claims, “No data demonstrate that reparative or conversion therapies are effective, and in fact they may be harmful (Davison, 1991; Haldeman, 1994).

And piling on, the U.S. Surgeon General claimed in 2001, claimed that “there is no valid scientific evidence that sexual orientation can be changed (Haldeman, 1994; APA, 2000).”

Wow. What an impressive consensus.

And complete bullshit.

How do I know?

Granted, some of these statements could be hiding behind imbedded disclaimers like “valid scientific evidence” or “scientifically adequate research” in which the only valid evidence meeting their self-imposed standards would be reports that change efforts are always ineffective.

But there is still plenty of evidence of The Big Lie.

The Politically Incorrect Truth:
23+ Published Studies

Here are 23 empirical studies and case studies published over the past 40 years.

Together, they indicate that 1,202 homosexually oriented people out of 3,036 in the 23 studies (40%!) experienced at least some heterosexual shift.

Jones & Yarhouse, Book: Ex-Gays? A Longitudinal Study, InterVarsity Press, 2007.
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 33 out of 73

Shidlo & Schroeder, Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 2002.
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 14 out of 202

Nicolosi, Byrd & Potts, Psychological Reports, 1997.
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 573 out of 882

Berger, American Journal of Psychotherapy, 1994.
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 1 out of 1

MacIntosh, Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, 1994.
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 276 out of 1,215

Golwyn & Sevlie, Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 1993.
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 1 out of 1

Schechter, International Forum of Psychoanalysis, 1992.
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 1 out of 1

Van den Aardweg, Book: On the Origins and Treatment of Homosexuality, 1986
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 37 out of 101

Schwartz & Masters, American Journal of Psychiatry, 1984
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 35 out of 54

Pattison & Pattison, American Journal of Psychiatry, 1980
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 11 out of 11

Birk, Book: Homosexual Behavior: A Modern Reappraisal, 1980
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 18 out of 29

Masters & Johnson, Book: Homosexuality in Perspective, 1979
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 29 out of 67

Socaridies, Book: Homosexuality, 1978
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 20 out of 45

Callahan, Book: Counseling Methods, 1976
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 1 out of 1

Freeman & Meyer, Behavior Therapy, 1975
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 9 out of 11

Canton-Dutari, Archives of Sexual Behavior, 1974
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 44 out of 54

Birk, Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 1974
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 14 out of 66

Liss & Weiner, American Journal of Psychotherapy, 1973
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 1 out of 1

Barlow & Agras, Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis, 1973
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 2 out of 2

Pittman & DeYoung, International Journal of Group Psychotherapy, 1971
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 3 out of 6

Truax & Tourney. Diseases of the Nervous System, 1971
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 20 out of 30

Hatterer, Book: Changing Homosexuality in the Male, 1970
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 49 out of 143

McConaghy, British Journal of Psychiatry, 1970
Experiencing at least some heterosexual shift: 10 out of 40
----------------------------------------------------------
My references for these studies are:
1) “Homosexuality: The Use of Scientific Research in the Church’s Moral Debate,” by psychologists Dr. Stanton L. Jones and Dr. Mark A. Yarhouse. InterVarsity Press, 2000.
2) New Direction Ministries of Canada: Homosexuality and the Possibility of Change Project,
3) http://www.narth.com/docs/published.html ,
4) “Ex-Gays? A Longitudinal Study of Religiously Mediated Change in Sexual Orientation,” by Dr. Stanton L. Jones and Dr. Mark A. Yarhouse. InterVarsity Press, 2007 See http://www.narth.com/docs/rekersrev.html
5) “Changing Sexual Orientation: A Consumers' Report,” http://psycnet.apa.org/index.cfm?fa=buy.optionToBuy&id=2002-01066-003
------------------------------------------------------------

Are 23 studies and case studies published over 40 years not enough to put the lie to the politically-correct mental health trade groups?

Then consider this as well:

-- Dr. George A. Rekers, Professor of Neuropsychiatry and Behavioral Science Emeritus at the University of South Carolina School of Medicine called the Jones and Yarhouse “Ex-Gays? A Longitudinal Study” “clearly the best scientific study yet conducted on change of homosexual orientation…”

He said, “My academic peer review found this investigation to be the most rigorous, well-designed empirical study to date on these questions. This study meets the high research standards set by the American Psychological Association that individuals be validly assessed, followed, and reported over time with a prospective, longitudinal outcome research design.” See http://www.narth.com/docs/rekersrev.html

-- The Shidlo and Schroeder study “accidentally” (my word) found 14 cases of successful heterosexual shift (out of 202 subjects) despite the fact that the gay psychologists set out to prove that sexual conversion therapies are harmful!

Their initial outreach to study subjects included advertisements in gay publications that said, "Help Us Document the Damage of Homophobic Therapies.” Their original working title for their study was “Homophobic Therapies: Documenting the Damage.” See http://www.drthrockmorton.com/article.asp?id=201

Furthermore:

-- Dr. Robert L. Spitzer of Columbia University interviewed 200 subjects who had been predominantly or exclusively homosexual previously and who claimed to have experienced sexual-orientation change. Based on their responses to 114 closed-ended questions, he concluded that 60% had achieved “good heterosexual functioning” (which included never or rarely having homosexual thoughts) and 19% had experienced “complete” change (with no lingering homosexual thoughts, fantasies or desires).

Published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, October 2003. See http://www.narth.com/docs/evidencefound.html

-- Dr. Warren Throckmorton summarized 11 studies and published an article titled, "Initial Empirical and Clinical Findings Concerning the Change Process for Ex-Gays.” In it, Throckmorton concludes: “My literature review contradicts the policies of major mental health organizations because it suggests that sexual orientation, once thought to be an unchanging sexual trait, is actually quite flexible for many people, changing as a result of therapy for some, ministry for others and spontaneously for still others.”

Published in the American Psychological Association’s June 2002 issue of Professional Psychology: Research and Practice.

-- The National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality surveyed 206 therapists and counselors who have counseled individuals who sought to change from a homosexual orientation. Collectively, these 206 professionals had worked with a total of at least 9,702 homosexual clients seeking sexual reorientation.

More than 40% of therapists said that the majority (61% or more) of their clients had either "adopted a primarily heterosexual orientation (not just behavior)" or "experienced a significant decrease in unwanted homosexual thoughts, feelings and behaviors" or both. At an average of 47 clients per therapist, that would represent more than 2,350 clients who experienced a significant homosexual-to-heterosexual shift, according to the therapists who counseled them.

Published in the peer-reviewed professional journal Psychological Reports in April 1997. See http://www.narth.com/docs/published.html

The ONLY reasonable conclusion is that there is in fact substantial empirical evidence that some homosexually oriented individuals have experienced at least some sexual orientation change.

Whatever anyone else says, whether it is the APA or the U.S. surgeon general, the idea that there is no empirical evidence is quite obviously A Big Lie.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

2009-04-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

“Can’t we all just get along?”

That was the plaintive cry of police beating victim Rodney King during the 1992 Los Angeles riots that erupted after a jury found the police not guilty. I was working at a bank in downtown Los Angeles at the time, and was a firsthand witness to the rampant destruction that led Rodney King to go on television to plead for civility.

“Can’t we all just get along?”

Rodney King’s words come back to me as I contemplate this year’s planned “Day of Silence” on Friday, April 17, organized by the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network, or GLSEN. On the Day of Silence, high school and middle school students are encouraged to take a day-long vow of silence to symbolize solidarity with the supposed “silencing” of “GLBT” students and their supporters.

In response, more than 20 conservative groups are calling for a walk-out at participating middle and high schools, urging parents to keep their children home Friday, according to the Christian Post. Meanwhile, the Alliance Defense Fund has responded by organizing its own “Day of Truth,” scheduled for Monday April 20. Students are encouraged to wear T-shirts and pass out cards with messages like:

“I'm speaking the Truth to break the silence. True tolerance means that people with differing -- even opposing -- viewpoints can freely exchange ideas and respectfully listen to each other. It's time for an honest conversation about homosexuality. There's freedom to change if you want to. Let’s talk.”

I find the claim of gays being silenced to be ironic to the point of Orwellian doublespeak. From where I sit, the gay lobby appears to have an enormous platform to speak out, including the world’s news media in their hands. Never has any “oppressed minority” overcome so much to become so celebrated and endorsed by the world’s media and political and entertainment elite in so few years.

Meanwhile, those who would dare claim that maybe gays are not “born that way,” and point out that some people have changed from gay to straight, are routinely and roundly ridiculed as small-minded, hate-mongering homophobes and are regularly shamed into silence. Try speaking out with this alternative viewpoint, and see who it is that is really being silenced. Your view will typically be labeled as divisive hate speech, and hate speech cannot be tolerated.

Nevertheless, the answer, in my view, is not to lash out at the gay lobby and fan the flames of dissent. The answer is to display true tolerance, not the artificial tolerance that is really a code word for “endorse-our-viewpoint-and-our-way-of-life-or-be-attacked-as-a-homophobe.”

Too many people want to make homosexuality and the possibility of change an us-versus-them, all-or-nothing issue with clear winners and losers. Small-minded, hate-mongering homophobes (allegedly) on one side versus lust-driven, devil-loving perverts (allegedly) on the other side.

Can’t we all just get along?

As the founder of People Can Change, I quite clearly represent the viewpoint that sexual orientation change is possible…at least for some people. Is it possible for everyone? How could I possibly know that?

I only know that I have experienced profound change, and am much happier for it. I also know that many of my friends and colleagues in this movement have experienced dramatic change, and are much happier for it. And that is the message I choose to share.

I have always said as much on the People Can Change Web site. I have stated it in my audio CD, Journey Out of Homosexuality. It is part of our organization’s foundational philosophies, which state in part:

-- We recognize the inherent and equal worth of all people. We strongly object to “gay bashing” – just as we object to “ex-gay bashing” – and instead encourage compassion and understanding for all who deal with or have ever dealt with homosexuality, however they may choose to address it in their lives. We respect their dignity, worth, right to self-determination, and right to equal protection under the law.

-- Significant sexual-orientation change may or may not be possible for every person who has homosexual desires. Likewise, pursuing change is not the only possible response to unwanted homosexual feelings and may or may not be the most appropriate resolution for any particular individual.

-- No one can make anyone else change their sexual orientation against their will, nor do we believe anyone should attempt to force or pressure someone to change who is not intrinsically motivated to do so.

Despite this policy of tolerance and respect, I regularly receive hate email, lashing out at me as a homophobe and hate-monger, sometimes damning me to hell and wishing me an early and painful death.

Whatever happened to freedom of choice? To the right to self determination? And simply to free speech?

Sharing my personal story, and the path that worked for me and has worked for so many others, is not anti-gay.

It is pro-individual.

It is pro-self-determination.

It is pro-choice.

If we could all show more respect for the individual, for self-determination, for freedom of choice, then certainly we could all get along.

An Accidental Founder, Step by Step

2009-04-13T08:52:00.000-07:00

I call myself the “accidental founder” of People Can Change.

My intention back in 2000 was simply to start a Web site containing the true stories of men who, like me, had broken free of unwanted same-sex attractions. Little did I know that God (... along with the hunger that so many men who are conflicted over their SSA had for information and support ... along with my own passion to help others ...) would lead me to co-create an international non-profit organization presenting profoundly healing personal-growth seminars and other resources to thousands of men and their families.

Step by step I felt led to do more. And one by one, others joined me in this newfound mission, bringing their own passion to serve, making it their own mission and cause as well, co-creating something far beyond any one man’s capacity or even one man’s vision.

My motivation in creating the original Web site (http://www.peoplecanchange.com/) was to find the commonalities in the paths of men who had experienced profound change, and to share those commonalities with others who were likewise seeking a way free. I wanted to give others a practical path to follow, forged by others who had walked the difficult journey out of homosexuality before them. There was no reason that others had to flounder in the dark, alone, as I had for so many years, unaware that there was a path out, if only someone would light the way.

I was motivated to start http://www.peoplecanchange.com/ in part by the fact that all I could find on the Web about dealing with unwanted same-sex attractions at that time were:

-- pro-gay claims that change was impossible and homosexuality must be accepted and enjoyed;
-- scripture-based injunctions against homosexuality, with no real help or hope suggesting what could actually be done about it if one experienced unwanted same-sex attractions;
-- stories of conversion from homosexuality through a religious conversion to Christ;
-- professional perspectives from some out-of-the-mainstream therapists who asserted that their clinical experiences showed that sexual-orientation change was indeed possible.

Missing, by and large, were personal accounts of change from an emotional, psychological or personal-growth perspective as told by individuals who had experienced it themselves. I could find little online that gave first-hand accounts of the successful client in therapy or other self-help programs. Almost all the “testimonials” I found online were testimonials of religious conversion as the pathway out of homosexuality.

In no way do I want to diminish the reality and value of those spiritual testimonials. I welcome them as an important contributor to the body of literature on what can work for some people. It’s just that spiritual conversion, in my experience, is not the principal answer for everyone.

My own experience with change was much more about my emotional, psychological and social transformation than it was a spiritual transformation, although spirituality played a vital part in guiding and fueling my journey. I didn’t struggle with unwanted same-sex attractions for all those years because I was spiritually broken. (In fact, my spiritual life was in some ways one of the areas in which I was strongest.) I struggled because I was emotionally broken. I didn’t feel “man enough.” I didn’t feel like I belonged in the company of “real men.” I didn’t trust men. Yet I craved their attention, affirmation and affection. I craved masculinity, and mistakenly searched for it sexually from other men when I didn’t believe it was possible to experience it in any other way.

That was my story. Not a story of spiritual conversion nearly so much as a story of emotional discovery, new friendship, personal growth, emotional risk.

Realizing by then that my experience couldn’t possibly be unique, I sought out a dozen other men to interview about their own emotional discoveries and experiences on their respective journeys out of homosexuality. (Their stories appear at http://peoplecanchange.com/About_Us.htm.) I summarized common elements I found in our collective experiences, and wrote and published the first version of http://www.peoplecanchange.com/, using do-it-yourself Web publication software “for dummies” (because I really had no idea what I was doing, technologically).

When http://www.peoplecanchange.com/ went online in September 2000, I thought my work was done. I would maintain the Web site as a resource to others, and remain in comfortable anonymity as “Ben Newman.” Mission accomplished.

God, apparently, had other plans.

What I didn’t realize was that I had started rolling a snowball downhill, and it would only grow and increase in speed as it moved forward. The hunger of so many others for answers and support, and my passion to help and to serve, caused People Can Change to become so much more than just another Web site.

Soon, a Web site reader contacted me and encouraged me to start an online Listserv or Yahoo group so those who found http://www.peoplecanchange.com/ could support and learn from each other. I started the first online group in February 2001, and today People Can Change hosts eight such groups (including a group for wives), with combined membership totaling more than 1,200.

But I felt a passion to do still more. In fall 2001, I suggested to the men in our steadily growing online community that we meet together for an in-person weekend retreat of personal-growth work. I created the initial agenda for the retreat, based on some of my experiences in therapy for unwanted SSA, in a 12-Step Sexaholics Anonymous group, and especially in the New Warrior program that I had been involved in since August 1998 (and through which I had experienced tremendous healing of my masculine wounds).

To help me staff it, I invited four other men: David Matheson, a (then) California-based therapist specializing in “gender affirming therapy”; Arthur Goldberg, the founder of a Jewish “ministry” called JONAH (Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality) based in New Jersey; and two men from my local New Warriors group in Virginia who were gifted facilitators of psychodramatic-style healing work.

We held the first Journey Into Manhood weekend at a retreat center in Maryland in January 2002. Twenty-three participants came from 12 states, as far away as California, to experience authentic connection and healing. Far more than just a seminar or workshop, we created Journey Into Manhood as an experiential–healing weekend where men could examine themselves deeply and could touch and begin to heal some of their deep emotional wounds. It was powerful and profound. Men’s lives were changed.

Therapist David Matheson immediately saw the vision of what Journey Into Manhood could become, and passionately began working with me to further develop the psychological theory and processes of the weekend so that it would have an even greater impact on future participants and to enable us to replicate it over and over. Without David’s expertise and passion, and his joining me as co-creator and co-developer of Journey Into Manhood, I probably would have burned out quickly, and “JiM” would likely not have as powerful an impact nor be as safe a place for men to do deep emotional healing work.

We presented Journey Into Manhood three times in 2002, in Maryland and California, then four times in 2003, and so forth. Our maximum capacity grew from 24 “journeyers” to 32. Our volunteer staff grew from five to nine to 20.

In the fall of 2008, at our 36th presentation of the Journey Into Manhood weekend, held near London, England, we passed the “1,000th journeyer” milestone. Next month, we will present JiM for the 40th time, near Chicago. By now, some 1,000 men from 30 countries and 43 U.S. states have been through the weekend.

In follow-up surveys, 4 out of 5 participants said their SSA has diminished in the months or years since they experienced the Journey Into Manhood weekend.

People Can Change continues to expand. We have added follow-up weekends, and in August we will present “Journey Beyond” for the fourth time. In June we will offer our first-ever weekend program for wives of past JiM participants.

Years ago, in 2003, we became a 501(c)(3) non-profit educational organization. Our mission is to offer men who seek transformation out of homosexuality a pathway of healing, by providing information, training, and support.

Then, in 2005, I left corporate America and began to work part time as executive director of People Can Change and part time as a life coach, working with individual men (and groups of men) by phone to help them develop a more powerful sense of masculinity, and to align their sexual feelings and behaviors with their personal values and goals.

When all of this began as the germ of an idea back in 2000, I did not have the vision of creating an international non-profit organization presenting profoundly healing personal-growth seminars and other resources to thousands of men and their families. I did not then have it as part of my life mission to be a “courageous champion of men’s healing and brotherly love.”

All of this has come about step by step, led by the unseen hand of God. Today, the vision of us who lead and guide and serve this organization is much greater. But I wonder if even yet we have a clear idea of all that God is building, with us as tools in his hands.